Counting Stars
by Kael Lane
Summary: Magnus and Alec have broken up. After his initial blow up Magnus begins to doubt his decision, and Alec's starting to wonder just what makes a person a whore. As they stuggle to overcome their emotions and fight to get back together the unthinkable happens. Can they get past their own insecurities? How long can those who love them watch them destroy themselves?
1. Old, but I

**This fic takes place after CoLS**

**There will probably be spoilers.**

**I may or may not stay true to the snippets Cassie has posted on her own Tumblr.**

**As always, I don't own these characters or The Mortal Instruments, Cassandra Clare does. **

**I will do my very best to stay true to her characters. (Also I have not yet read The Bane Chronicles so if I say something outside of cannon I am sorry. :) )**

* * *

******Old, but I'm Not That Old**

Magnus looked himself over in the mirror. His usually so well kept appearance had started to slip over the last few weeks leaving him feeling like half the man he usually was. It had started the night he'd left Alec. He'd gone into it telling himself that he would hold it together, that this wasn't going to be as bad as he thought, and that no matter what was said or done he would be strong and stick to his choice. Alec was not the first person to break his heart, he could handle this. He had started off believing this too. Started strong and determined, then he'd made the mistake of looking, really looking into Alec's eyes. The pain he had seen in that blue, that beautiful blue that made his heart melt, that drove him crazy, it was just too much. He'd almost lost it there. That last kiss had nearly killed him; he'd nearly changed his mind in that moment. He had manged to turn away though, without breaking down. The tears hadn't come until after he managed to turn away from Alec, hadn't come until Alec could no longer see his face, and for that he was grateful.

He had wandered after that, given Alec the day as he'd said, to pack his things and go. He could have used magic to give himself privacy, to go unseen, or at the very least taken a cab someplace so no one but the driver saw his sorrow, but there had been something slightly satisfying about walking through the streets with tears streaming down his face as people passed by almost oblivious to his pain. He almost didn't realize he'd gotten home until he was at the door. It was dark bu then so he knew Alec was probably long gone but fear gripped him anyway. He unlocked the door with hesitation, but the lights were out and no one there except the Chairman, who was curled up on the couch. Magnus looked around and found that all signs of Alec were gone. Jackets no longer hung in the hall closet that were not his. There were empty drawers in his dresser and empty hangers in the closet. No longer was there Shadowhunter Gear neatly placed in the trunk at the end of the bed. No more extra tooth brush. No more dagger on the nightstand. No more books full of runes piled on the coffee table. No more stele on the desk. No more Alec.

He had lost it then. Rage hit him like a sledge hammer to the chest. The things nearest to him had been thrown and broken to pieces as Chairman Meow streaked from the room with a hiss. Suddenly his powers, which had always been best with healing, were violent and destructive. He would come to regret that later but right then he relished in it, setting fire to the couch and tearing apart his bedroom. He probably would have burned the whole house down with himself inside if Isabelle hadn't shown up and fought him until he'd collapsed into hysterical tears in her arms. She'd held him then in a way he didn't deserve, rocking him with soft whispers, and stoking his hair the way one took care of a sibling. That realization had sobered him enough to ask her why she was there. She should have been with Alec, should have been comforting him not Magnus.

Izzy explained that Alec had come home with his things looking completely broken. That he'd told them of Maureen and Camille. That he'd explained stiffly what had happened between himself and Magnus, before packing a backpack of things and left, asking them not to come looking for him, to let him be for a while. He'd said he would check in to let them know he was safe. She had said all of this while cleaning him up. Washing the cuts he'd given himself in his tantrum, pulling glass shards from his hair and cloths, and making sure nothing was bleeding still. It was a side of Izzy he'd never seen before and he found himself overcome with more emotion than he could handle over it. She'd pulled him up and walked him to one of the guest bedrooms at that point, putting him to bed as he sobbed that he was sorry over and over. He hadn't seen her since. It seemed the Shadowhunters were leaving him alone as he'd asked and he was glad for it.

The next three weeks had been a blur for him. A blur of Chinese take out, minimal showers, sweat pants, I Love Lucy reruns and multiple, hysterical sobbing fits. Now he found himself in front of the mirror really looking at himself for the first time and he hated himself. His hair hung limp and in his face, there were bags under his eyes that would take considerable effort to cover up, and he didn't even want to get started on the sweats he was pretty sure he's been wearing for the last three days. He looked horrible. Worse than horrible, he looked old. Not really in the physical sense of wrinkled, that would never happen, but the way he held himself. The way his eyes stared back at him like they'd seen too much. All of it showed his age. Anger suddenly flared inside him again. Age. All of this was because of his age. Because he was an old fool who'd lived too long and forgot what it was like to be young. Alec's betrayal, Camille's involvement, his hesitation about his past, all of it because he'd let his age matter. He was old, but he had never thought he was___that _old. His fist found the mirror and it cracked.___Seven years bad luck, _he thought bitterly. What was seven years though when you were destined to live alone forever anyway?


	2. Young, but I'm Not That Bold

******Young, but I'm Not That Bold**

Alec let the hot water of the shower wash over him, relaxing the tension in his shoulders. He'd spent the night losing himself in the hard beat of the music at the Pandemonium, dancing with and kissing strange men he was sure to never see again before going home with a mundane stranger who had been eying him all night. He had been doing that a lot recently. Izzy would have called it whoring around, but somehow the rough, no emotions sex was satisfying in a way he couldn't explain. That and it was better than the alternative which consisted of hysterical tears and constant Magnus memories that he just could not handle right now. As it was he couldn't get Magnus out of his head. His voice, his hair, hiseyes, the glitter, the way he smelled… no wait, that was the soap he was using in stranger man's shower. ___Sandalwood, lovely,_Alec thought bitterly as he rinsed himself off and got out.

He quickly toweled off and dressed. He wanted to be out before Mark woke up. Or was it Mike? Matt? Alec paused for a moment trying to remember before shrugging it off and slipping silently into the bedroom. Whatever his name was he was not in the bed where Alec had left him. "Fuck" he muttered heading towards the door. He hated this part. It usually started with "Good Morning." Morning. "Want Breakfast I'm making (insert breakfast food here)" No. "Oh, well wanna join me for a shower?" No. "But I thought we had a connection?" No, unless you are a tall, part Asian Warlock who wears a lot of glitter and has cat eyes you really are not my type, and I know I just fucked you silly but this is going nowhere, ok? Good bye. It never really went well and he really was not in the mood this morning. He'd had a dream about Magnus last night and still had the Warlock's cat eyes staring at him every time he closed his eyes. With as sigh he headed out into the apartments open living room/kitchen. As expected Mike/Matt/Mark was in the kitchen humming away as he fried up some eggs.

"Good morning sunshine." He said with a wink. "Have a good shower? I made you eggs." he motioned to a plate that was already out and before Alec could respond with a polite no his stomach gave him away. He was starving, but normally that meant heading to the nearest cafe and ordering breakfast that he wouldn't be able to keep down until lunch. Alec gave a weak smile and sat down with at the island with a shrug. "Morning." He mumbled. "Sorry if I woke you." It was early, it was always early. Early meant he could get out while it was dark normally, while the other person still slept. This one seemed to be an early riser. "No worries." He said cheerfully. "I actually didn't sleep much. You move a lot in your sleep." He grimaced. Magnus had complained about that once when they were still getting used to sharing a bed. Something that simple shouldn't have bothered him but, this morning he was particularly touchy.

They ate in silence mostly, and it was awkward as expected. ___Next time Alec we avoid this by simply saying no, _he thought as he finished up. "So, Mark-"

"Matt."

"What?"

"You called me Mark, my name is Matt."

Alec paused for a moment, "Right, um Sorry. Listen Matt-"

"Don't do that." Matt said with a sad smile. "I didn't expect you to remember my name."

"You, um, you didn't?"

Matt shook his head taking both of their empty plates to the sink before leaning casually on the counter. He eyed Alec for a moment before answering. "Well I did at first, and you did remember last night. Then you fell asleep and I realized I wasn't who you wanted to be with." He smiled again. "Whoever Magnus is, I recommend going after him." Alec froze up. It had been weeks since he'd heard the name out loud. Just thinking it hurt, but hearing it said was like a slap in the face and he felt his anger rise a little bit. Who was this guy to think he could talk about Magnus? "Listen, I don't know how you know about him but-"

Matt chuckled. "Chill dude. You kept saying things about him in your sleep. All I'm saying is that from what I heard you should go after him." Matt gave him another sad smile. "If I know anything about relationships its that guys like that want you to fight for them, and if you love him you should want to fight for him."

With that Alec set a scowl on his face. "Whatever, look its none of your damn business." He muttered as he got up and stalked from the apartment without even looking at him again. Who the fuck was this guy to talk to him about how he should handle Magnus? He didn't know what he was talking about. He hadn't heard the pain in Magnus's voice, seen the look of utter betrayal on his face. The stupid Mundie knew ___nothing _so he could just shut the fuck up. Alec stopped for a moment in the alley next to the building and hit the wall. His knuckles split and a pain shot through his arm as his hand throbbed. He'd probably broken it but he didn't care. He had felt the tears coming and this had stopped them. The pain kept him grounded, a lot like the sex did. If he kept his body busy his brain couldn't think. He started walking again, his head bowed in thought. If he were like Jace he would go demon hunting, but he wasn't like Jace. Jace went in head first and beat the crap out of things, Alec stood back with his bow and kept him safe.

Alec let his feet take him where they would. He'd been doing that the past few weeks. He hadn't been home yet, he'd simply kept sending Izzy texts to let her know he was alive, but he couldn't go home. He couldn't face them. He was a horrible person, and they would know it if he did. Muttering to himself he kicked a can. Why was he so damn stupid? Why did he let himself fall for Camille's tricks? He envied Maureen. He had wanted to rip Camille limb from limb for what she'd done, but if he was honest with himself it wasn't her fault. He was the only one to blame. Magnus had done nothing but trust him and put faith in him and he blew it. He kicked another can in frustration and looked up to see where he was.

No. Not here. By the Angel why had he come here?


	3. I Feel The Love and I Feel It Burn

******I Feel The Love and I Feel It Burn**

He'd really managed to do it this time. Three weeks he'd spent wandering. Three weeks he'd managed to avoid this place. Anywhere but Brooklyn. Anywhere but this building. It had him frozen now, the sight of it. SO familiar, yet if felt like he hadn't been here in a hundred years instead of three weeks. This was home, yet he wasn't allowed here. Magnus had told him to get his things and leave, and he had. This couldn't be his home anymore. Yet here he was. This was where his feet had taken him. This was where he wanted to be. His body knew it as well as his heart did.

He stood there for what must have been hours on the verge of leaving and losing his self control. He should leave. He shouldn't want to be where he wasn't wanted, but his heart was screaming at him what Matt had said. ___Fight for him Alec. _No. He told me to stay away. ___Come on, do it anyway. Don't give up so easy._He hates me. ___No, he loves you. That's what he said isn't it? Aku cinta kamu. _He also said that didn't change anything. ___SO? FIGHT FOR HIM! God you fucking idiot get up the damn steps knock his door in if you have to. You need him!_I don't. ___You do or you wouldn't be here._

—

When Magnus first spotted him outside the window he'd been so sure he was making it up in his head. Alec was not out side. There was no way. But after ten minutes or so his figure was still there across the street, standing like some kind of statue just staring at the building. Magnus stood far enough back from the window that Alec couldn't see him if he looked up, but he was still close enough to make out details. Jeans, black shirt, grey zip up jacket, and his blue scarf. Tears threatened his eyes as he thought about that scarf. Stupid thing had started more than one fight. He should have known then that something was going on with Alec, but there had been so much going on. So much fate of the world bull shit that he hadn't been paying enough attention to the little things in their relationship.

He'd had plenty of time to think about it since then of course. More than once he'd stormed through the house knocking things over and ranting about it. Now though it just made him sad instead of angry. How many times had he wished for Alec to be standing right where he was now? It had gone so differently in his head. He'd see Alec and run to him. Fall into his arms and beg for him back. He'd promise to be open with him. Promise to tell him anything he wanted. Now though, now he stood where he was at the window, praying that Alec would walk away. He needed him, his heart needed him, but his mind and his experience told him that he needed space. There would be no fixing their problems this easily. No running to Alec, no begging forgiveness.

As he watched Alec slowly moved closer to the building, never looking up, but slowly walking towards it like he was fighting some inner battle. It went on that way for nearly an hour, and Magnus took that time to pull himself together. If Alec did come up, he would not be wearing holy sweats, especially not when Alec at least looked like he'd recently showered. Panic hit Magnus then and he raced to the bathroom shower and quickly cleaned up, using magic as a cheat to make it go faster. By the time he was presentable Alec was up the stairs and standing in front of his door.

Magnus cast a quick spell to see through the door instead of spying through the peep hole. A small noise somewhere between a groan and sob escaped him as Alec came into view. He was leaning his forehead against the door, both hands flat on the wood, sobbing. Dried blood covered one of his hands, and it looked as tho he'd hit something recently. Without thinking his hand lifted to touch Alec's hand and met with the door. He could feel the tears on his own face now as he leaned in closer to him. "Alec." He whispered softly, letting them come.


	4. Hope Is A Four Letter Word

******Hope Is A Four Letter Word**

Alec allowed himself a few moments to break down at the door of the apartment. He didn't let himself do it often, and honestly it hadn't ever felt like this before. His heart felt like it might fall out of his chest any moment. There was a mix of complete sorrow and joy at being there. Sorrow because he knew it couldn't last, he would have to go. Joy because he was so close to Magnus he could almost feel him in his arms. He almost let himself picture that. Magnus walking through the door. Pulling Magnus into a kiss and wrapping him in his arms as best he could, despite their height difference. For once taking charge in a relationship that Magnus always seemed to be in charge of. That wouldn't happen though. It couldn't. They had to much to work through, too many problems to solve, and Magnus would never allow it. He'd be lucky if Magnus even acknowledged his presence.

That's why he hadn't knocked on the door yet. He was afraid of how Magnus would react to him being there. They'd had fights before, and the Warlock was unpredictable. Sometimes he would act as though nothing had happened, others he'd give the silent treatment for days while Alec sat on the couch or next to him in bed feeling like a child being scolded. This however was no ordinary fight. This wasn't an I need space for a while. This was an I never want to see your dishonest, betraying, pathetic, Shadowhunter self or your stupid friends again thing. It was something you don't think about until it happened, and once it did you wished you would have thought about it so you knew what to do.

Alec choked back another sob and attempted to calm himself. He straightened up and wiped his tears on his sleeve, then he stood there, biting his lip and playing absently with the scarf around his neck trying to decide what to do. Knocking on the door could be a big step in the right direction. If he didn't at least try to get Magnus back, he wouldn't ever get Magnus back.

Then again, it could blow up in his face. Plus Magnus could not even be home, and somehow the thought of getting caught standing on his landing didn't sit well with Alec. AND even if Magnus was home, and was willing to listen to Alec, and didn't just shut the door in his face, what the hell would he say to him? ___Hey Magnus, look I know you told me to stay away but I just couldn't. This guy I slept with said I should fight for you and so that's why I am here._Fuck I can't say that. ___Well no shit Sherlock, but you have to say something._I was in the neighborhood? ___Just be honest with him. Tell him you love him._He knows that though. ___Say it anyway. Tell him you need him, tell him you aren't giving up without a fight._But what if- ___No stop. You are hopeless._

__Exactly. He was hopeless. He didn't know the first thing about how to fix anything. Sighing Alec turned away from the door and looked down at the scarf in his hands. It was the one Magnus had given him. It brought out the color in his eyes apparently. He let the soft fabric run through his fingers as a small smile came to his face. It had always looked better on Magnus though. He would pair it with skinny jeans and one of Alec's shirts when they went for coffee in the mornings, and somehow managed to make the boring look sexy as hell. It always smelled so wonderful when he got it back. Like Sandalwood and magic, if magic had a scent. It may have just been the natural scent of Magnus, but Alec liked to think that magic smelled like Magnus. He pulled the scarf from his neck and brought it to his nose. Yep, Sandalwood and Magic. He let himself soak in the smell for a moment before turning back to the door.

He had hope for them, but not for today. He wasn't ready to face Magnus yet, but he would go home and talk to Izzy. She wasn't great with relationships, but she was the best he had in this situation. He rummaged in his pocket and managed to find a pen and an old receipt from Taki's and quickly scrawled a note on the back of it before tying the scarf to the door knob and slipping the paper under the door. It wasn't much, but for now it would have to do. "I love you Magnus." He said softly, touching the door tenderly once more before turning away and heading back to the institute.

—

Magnus-

I know I've been stupid, and I know I have messed up. This isn't the end for us. If I have to fight the rest of my life to make this up to you I will. I have hope for us.

I love you Magnus Bane.

-Alec


	5. Down This River Every Turn

******Down This River Every Turn**

Magnus watched Alec leave, feeling slightly relieved that he hadn't knocked. That wasn't a confrontation he was ready for yet. They had so many problems to work out, but right now even he didn't know how to fix things. He sighed slightly and let his eyes wander to the note that had been slipped under his door. He picked it up and read it over. A smile came to his face, the first one in over three weeks that hadn't been bitter or sarcastic. He opened the door and undid the scarf from the knob. Leave it to Alec to make things feel ok, even when they really weren't. He wrapped the scarf around his neck and went to look himself over in the mirror. His last minute rush to pull himself together hadn't done much, but he at least didn't look like someone who had given up on life anymore. Plain black shirt, skinny jeans and a Black and silver blazer. It wasn't his usually flashy attire, but it suited his mood, and at least it was clean. A little cover up and eye liner and he would be ok to go out. No glitter today, but he needed out of the house something fierce.

Maybe he would call Tessa, she was usually up for coffee or the movies and she was in town. Last he'd talked to her she had just gotten back from her yearly meeting with Jem. ___You mean Brother Zachariah._Whatever, he was hardly the silent brother type. He'd asked Magnus to stop calling him Jem, but if Jem refused to act like a Silent Brother then Magnus refused to treat him like one.

Magnus did his makeup, slowly, methodically. It was amazing how three weeks of not doing it could leave his hands out of practice. They were shaky and unsure. In the end he sighed and smudged the slightly jagged lines around his eyes. Usually he went for clean, even eye makeup but he couldn't get it to behave and the smudging hid the imperfections somewhat. With a sigh he reached for his phone and wished he'd changed the lock screen on it. A picture of Alec asleep with Chairman Meow curled up on his chest tugged at his heart for a moment before he managed to get his password in and dial Tessa.

"Magnus? Where have you been! I've been trying to call you for days!"

"Hello Tessa."

"I mean it Magnus. I was about to come knock your door in."

Magnus looked around the apartment and winced. It was a good thing she hadn't. He hadn't done much in the way of cleaning and it still looked like someone had tried to burn it down. ___Um, well you did that__. _Oh right, someone had tried that. Yeah it was a good thing Tessa hadn't come knocking. "I've been busy Tess." He muttered, flopping down on the couch. He had replaced it after his fit. It was a boring thing but it was comfortable. Chairman Meow picked his head up and eyed him suspiciously. Since Magnus had set fire to the place the Chairman had been mostly avoiding him unless Magnus made the first move, which in his self-loathing he hadn't done much. Now he pulled the cat into his lap and scratched him behind the ears, feeling a satisfying purr in response. Even if he hated himself, at least the Chairman seemed to love him unconditionally.

"Magnus? Mag are you even listening to me?" Tessa said, irritation clear in her voice.

"I'm sorry Tess I've been, distracted."

"I asked you what you've been doing. I heard about your Shadowhunter."

Magnus sighed, had his relationship issues already made it all over the downworld? "What exactly have you heard Tessa?"

"I've heard a few things, none of them I like."

Another sigh, this time from her side. "Alright Tess. Meet me for coffee? We'll go for a walk and I'll tell you everything."


	6. Lately I Been, I Been Losing Sleep

******Lately I Been, I Been Losing Sleep**

By the time Alec got to the institute it was mid afternoon. He'd been using his Clave salary to stay at a hotel on the other side of town and had gone there first to collect his things and check out. Now he walked through the quiet institute, looking for anyone who might be home. Church, whom Alec was usually on good terms with, had been irritable and entirely unhelpful. So now he wandered room to room, checking all the usual places before finally hearing voices coming from the training room.

"I'm telling you Jace, going over to his place is only going to upset him. It isn't going to fix things. Its going to piss Magnus off."

"Izzy, he is the reason Alec has pretty much dropped off the face of the earth for three weeks, I really don't care how much it pisses off Magnus. We need to do something."

"Jace, Iz is right. We really don't need a pissed off Warlock on our hands."

"Thank you Clary." By now Alec could see into the training room. They had targets set up and Izzy was attempting to get Clary to be able to roll with a bow in her hands and come up shooting. "Try not to crush your bow. You break the thing and you are dead." Izzy demonstrated and Clary grimaced. Ranged weapons were not her thing, and before Alec had taken off for three weeks he'd been the one helping her. He realized now that his leaving screwed with her training some and he felt bad for it.

"Alec will come home when he is ready to." Izzy said as Clary tried, and failed to copy her roll. "You know how Alec gets when he is upset Jace. He wants to be left alone, and I can guarantee he doesn't want us fucking with his ex-boyfriend just because we are worried about him."

"Yes but he doesn't usually run away like this." Jace said stubbornly, going over and adjusting Clary's crouch and hold on the bow. "Don't forget your anchor."

Clary sighed and rolled again. It was better this time, but she lost her balance before she could get the bow up. "UGH! Why was this easier with Alec?"

"Because the people teaching you are distracted." Alec said dropping his backpack at the door. "Tuck tighter when you roll, your roll is sloppy so you can't get up right. It will be easier to crouch if you do it that way."

They all turned, startled, to look at him. Jace crossed his arms over his chest and glared at him, while Izzy shot him an "I told you so" look. Clary simply tried his advice and got it right. She gave a little cheer as she shot the target dead on. Izzy congratulated her and then gave Alec a small smile before walking over and pulling him into a hug. He wrapped his arms around her, grateful for an excuse to look away from Jace. The Heavenly Fire was a bit brighter inside him due to his irritation and it kind of freaked him out a bit. He would have to deal with that soon, but for now he let himself feel comfort in holding onto his sister.

She pulled back slightly and looked over him, tucking his hair behind his ears. She didn't say anything but he could see the worry in her eyes. As much as she had been telling Jace to be calm about it he knew she had also had the same thoughts Jace had expressed. Alec did his best to smile at her. "I'm alright Iz," he said trying to sound reassuring and tugging at her hair. She frowned and shook her head. "No you aren't," She replied sadly. "I saw Magnus after you left. I couldn't not go and yell at him after that ya know? but when I got there I just couldn't. Alec if he loved you half as much as I know you love him, there is no way you are alright." Alec sighed and pulled her back into the hug. The hazards of your siblings being your best friends is that they worry twice as much.

"I'll be alright Iz." he said softly.

"You had better be," Jace said harshly,"Cuz if not I'm going to have a sparkly Warlock to kill." Clary shot him a look and told him to go hit something.

"Excuse him Alec, the Heavenly Fire messes with his personality sometimes." she said as Izzy pulled away and went to retrieve the failed arrow attempts across the room. Jace rolled his eyes and headed for a punching bag. The Silent Brothers had told him that physical exertion would help, and now that Alec thought about it, a good fight was almost what he needed. "Wait Jace, spar with me." Alec said heading towards the changing room.

They spared for hours, until both of them were so tired they could hardly move. It did wonders for their moods, and they soon were back to their usual relationship. Keep the body busy and the mind has a hard time thinking. It was the same idea Alec had used with the random stranger sex, only more productive. When they were done they headed to their rooms, Jace walking him to his, almost like he wanted to make sure he wouldn't disappear on him again.

"Are you really going to be ok Alec?" He asked eyeing him thoughtfully. Alec stuffed his hands in his pockets and looked down at his feet. "I don't know Jace," He admitted "I feel like I'm split down the middle. Part of me wants to do what he says and leave him alone so I can move one. But part of me feels like I'll regret it the rest of my life if I don't fight for him." Jace studied his face for a moment.

"Alec, if you love him, fight for him," He said finally."If it doesn't work and you have given it everything you have then it is on Magnus."


	7. Dreaming About the Things That We

******Dreaming About the Things That We Could Be**

Magnus met Tessa in Central Park holding two coffees, and glad to be out of the house. The fresh air was calming and he was starting to feel better already. Tessa smiled when she spotted him and they linked arms once she'd taken her coffee. They walked in silence for a while letting their feet take them where they would, simply enjoying each others company. After Will had died he and Tessa had gotten close, and after all these years he was glad to say she was still his best friend.

She seemed to know that he needed silence and she left him to his thoughts. It was why she had been his first thought on who to call. She knew him well enough to know that on most occasions getting him to act his age was near impossible, but at times when his age got the better of him she knew how to bring him back to himself.

"I think I hate him Tessa." Magnus said softly, staring down at his feet as they walked.

"You don't," She said with confidence.

"I want to. I wish I did. This would all be easier."

"It might, but you still wouldn't be happy."

Magnus frowned, "He tried to shorten my life Tess."

"Magnus can you blame the boy for being insecure about you?" She asked, stopping them near a pond. They found a bench and Tessa pulled a small bag of bread from her purse and began feeding the ducks.

"I find it funny that Will hated ducks, and yet when you think about him you feed ducks." Magnus said watching her. A smile came to her face as she fed them.

"Stop avoiding the question Magnus."

He sighed and looked out over the water, leaning back against the bench. "I don't understand what there is to be insecure about Tessa. He is the most important thing in my life."

Tessa sighed and looked over at him, sadness in her eyes. "Magnus its times like these that I wish you had my abilities so you could see what you do to people."

Magnus raised an eyebrow at her and she continued,

"How many time have we sat and had conversations similar to this? It isn't easy for anyone to be with you. You have this confidence and self assurance in the way you carry yourself. You know who you are, what you are and you are clearly set in the ways of how you live your life." Magnus opened his mouth to protest but she cut him off. "No, let me talk for a moment. We've had the problem in the past of your relationships with woman, and a few men, going south because of that confidence. It hurts egos to be with someone prettier than yourself, especially when they know it the way you do. That's not saying that you shouldn't be the way you are, because you are a wonderful person Magnus, and sometimes your confidence can be inspiring. In fact, I would be willing to put money on it that this is part of what Alexander loves about you.

Now top that with the fact that you are his first real anything, and he is certainly not yours. I can see where he would start doubting. Not you, but himself certainly. You will go on, live forever. You will stay young and beautiful and he will grow old and wrinkle. There is a fear there that when he dies you will move on, forget and he will have meant nothing."

Magnus shook his head, fighting back the irrational anger he felt over it. "I… that's just…" he sighed and put his head in his hands. "Alec is more than that Tessa. When he dies I will be nothing anymore. How could I possibly move on from him? I have watched you since you lost Will. I don't have your strength, or a reason as good as you to keep me going after Alec."

Tessa put her hand on his knee and gave it a gentle squeeze. He looked up and saw the pain in her face, not for herself, but for him. "Mag, you go on because you have to, because we aren't given much choice in the matter. It never stops hurting, and that is ok. That is something that reminds you that despite your age you are at least half human."

"That makes me feel wonderful," he said bitterly. "Not that I could convince Alexander of that. My protests to his thinking only seemed to make it worse."

"I had that conversation with Will once," Tessa said, her eyes going distant as she remembered. "He was afraid I'd go on and forget him. We didn't have the knowledge to take away my immortality then, but you know William. Herondale's are a stubborn lot. I caught him looking, caught him trying to figure it out behind my back,"

Magnus let the shock show on his face. "Tessa I had no idea."

She waver her hand dismissively, "Of course not. It was a different time them, a different world almost. You kept things like that to yourself because God forbid anyone think your marriage was anything but perfect." She took a sip of her coffee, reflecting on her thoughts, before continuing, "I was furious with him Magnus, in a way I never thought I could be with Will. I threatened to leave him. We didn't speak for days. James was the only thing that kept me there. He was so young then."

She sighed again. They didn't often speak about the past, it was painful for them both, especially Tessa who was still young enough to have most of her memories clear in her head. Magnus took her hand from his knee and gave her a small smile.

"What would I do without you Tess?" he asked and she responded with a laugh before getting to her feet and pulling him with her. They walked again, discussing things. Will had managed to fix things by simply being Will, so their fix was no help to him, but the day spent with Tessa was enough to lift his spirits, and their talk had certainly given him some hope for his relationship.


	8. I Feel Something So Wrong

******I Feel Something So Wrong Doing the Right Thing**

Alec let Izzy drag him along with them to a downworlder party a few nights after he'd gotten home. He had neglected to tell her what he'd really been doing for three weeks so she'd assumed that he had almost no human contact in that time. She had also expressed her concern for him after he continued to call Magnus. The first few time no one had answered, the last few Magnus had answered and Alec had panicked and hung up the phone. Her response was better than Jace, who had taken it upon himself to smash Alec's phone saying "Guys don't let other guys keep calling other guys." or some such something. In the end it didn't matter. He would have to do something about Magnus at some point, but tonight he could maybe relax. Besides it was easier to let Izzy think she was right. So he'd let her dress him and lost a fight to eye liner "It's just a little Alec!" Then they were off with Simon, Clary, and Jace.

It was a good party, lots of booze, good music and Magnus. ___Wait, what was that last part? _Magnus. He was in the corner of the room fruity drink in one hand and the well manicured hand of a blond slut in the other. ___Be nice. We don't know she is a slut._She's with Magnus, that's all I need to know about her. ___Ok, maybe just maybe she is a slut. You really have no room to talk._Oh really? ___You just played man whore for three weeks, do you really have the right to call anyone a slut? _Alec pushed his thoughts of reason aside. It was easier to be jealous at that moment looking at the two of them laughing, watching Magnus use his flirty face. Maybe later he could be reasonable, but right now he was just jealous. ___Jealousy is ugly on you._Whatever. He glared at them until Izzy came by with a drink. "C'mon Alec, smile. This is an awesome party." She said handing it to him. She followed his gaze and her mouth formed a frown. "Alec I'm sorry I had no idea he'd be here. Look we can go-"

"No." Alec said cutting her off. "This is a great party Iz. Lets dance or something." He forced a smile then chugged back the drink she'd brought quickly. He would need more than that soon if he was going to make it through the night.

They found the others waiting for them on the dance floor. By the time they'd gotten there Alec had managed to down two more shots and was able to relax some, but not enough to really enjoy himself. Jace gave him a strange look as he threw back another shot and out of the corner of his eye he saw Izzy mouth "Watch him, Magnus is here." This irritated him, but he let it roll off his shoulders. He was going to dance, and get drunk, and he did. He let himself get lost in the music, dancing with anyone who offered, male or female, and downing more drinks.

Before he knew it he found himself on the floor in the corner of the room, no friends in sight, room spinning. He wasn't entirely sure how he had gotten there, but he knew it was probably for the best, he was starting to feel like crap. ___God I hope this isn't Magnus and Slut face's corner._Me too. ___I swear if I see her I'm going to give her a piece of my mind._I don't think that is going to happen. ___Why the hell not?_I don't know if you have noticed but we're a little drunk. This kind of complicated just about everything. I don't even think we can walk. He tried to get up and instantly wished he hadn't. ___Maybe we can puke on slut face? _Shut up. Alec put his head between his knees. Why was the music so loud? This was such a bad idea. ___Remind me to kill Izzy later._Definitely.

"Alec drink this. You'll feel better." said a voice smooth as silk, that was in close to his ear. The owner of the voice held out a drink to him. He stared at it for a moment before the other person sighed and pushed it into his hands. "Just trust me please." Alec sipped it reluctantly. It was horrible, but after the first few sips the room had stopped spinning.

"Thank you baby, I don't know what-" Alecs eyes snapped up and focused on the cat-eyed owner of the silky voice. "Magnus." He breathed, trying to get up. Magnus put his hands on Alec's shoulders.

"That probably is not the best idea considering I just walked you mostly unconscious from the dance floor."

"You didn't have to do that" He mumbled, blushing.

"Yes and letting every drunk pair of six inch heals out there trample you is a wonderful alternative."

"Iz or Jace would have come to get me."

"Isabelle is currently wrapped up in the Daylighter, and Jace and Clary disappeared nearly and hour ago."

Alec rolled his eyes. "What so you are keeping tabs on us now?"

"Alec if you think I have been able to keep my eyes off you since you walked in-"

"Ok sure, if I'm a tall curvy blonde maybe."

"Alexander," Magnus said, sounding hurt. "You are being extremely unfair."

"What do you care?" Alec said, suddenly angry. ___Shut up before you do something stupid._"Look just leave me alone alright?" ___Oh my dear god Shut up!_"Go find slut face and bug her or something." ___You are never allowed to drink ever again._

Anger was clear in Magnus's face when Alec looked up at him, but it was the pain in his eyes that made Alec hate himself. ___You really are good at fucking yourself._

"Magnus I'm sorry. I-"

"Shove off Lightwood." Magnus said standing up to walk away. Alec scrambled to his feet.

"Magnus wait."

Magnus whirled on him, his cheeks clearly wet. "For your information Alexander, Slut face is called Alice. She is a good, old friend whom I have known since I was your age. She is also happily married and has been for the like three hundred years While you have been slowly getting drunker and flirting with everything even slightly resembling a homosexual male here, I have been miserable and waiting for you to be alone for even a moment so that I could come speak to you."

Alec internally kicked himself. ___You fucked up. _You think? Alec reached for Magnus's hand. "Magnus please-"

"No Alec, I am done."he said, pulling away. "I am done explaining myself to you, done tiptoeing around everything that might upset you or make you jealous. Do you have any idea what it has been like for me the past month? I've been on the verge of just giving up, of dying of depression. I got that scarf from you the other day and for the first time in weeks, I thought that maybe, just maybe I would be ok."

Alec winced. He had no idea how Magnus had taken things. Izzy refused to tell him when he'd asked.

"Do you ever think before you do things? I know how you have spent the last few weeks Alec, the Pandemonium is a popular place among us Downworlders. It's gotten around. I found out myself tonight, about an hour ago. I've been trying to convince myself that I can get over that, but I just can't. What right do you have to judge me, when my only thought since I left you has been you?"

Alec felt the blood leave his face. This wasn't happening. "Magnus," he said weakly. What could he say? How could he possibly say anything to fix this? ___You can't. Look at him. _And Alec did look. The anger was gone now, it had been replaced by a horrible mix of pain, sadness, and desperation that Alec had never seen before. Magnus wanted him to say something, to fix it. But he had nothing. That beautiful face that he loved showed just how broken the Warlock was. ___I did that._

"I can't do this anymore," Magnus said, his voice almost a whisper. He turned and walked away, and Alec let him go.


	9. I Feel Something So Right

******I Feel Something So Right Doing The Wrong Thing**

Alec threw himself into demon hunting after the encounter with Magnus at that party. He had been so stupid, screwed everything up so royally. The demon hunting helped keep his anger and self-hate in check and by the time he was done at night he was to exhausted to think. He dreamed though. Every night he'd wake up in a cold sweat two or three times. The dreams were the worst part of everything. He'd dream of their fight, the initial break up, the fights during their relationship. Then they started to change. Suddenly it was Magnus dying, Magnus aging while he stayed young, Magnus walking in on him with another man in their bed, Magnus, Magnus, Magnus. At least that was consistent, it was always about Magnus.

It was never Magnus as he prefered to think about him though. Never smiling, loving laughing Magnus, not even when the dream started out where that would make sense. It was the Magnus from the party. The Magnus whose eyes were imprinted on the back of his eyelids. Pain, heartbreak, anger and love all mixed into horrible, beautiful cat eyes that looked at him, blamed him. The love was the worst part. No matter how upset or hurt Magnus had been with him at that party Alec had been able to see his love for him there. It was something he had never really noticed before, but now realized was always there. It was this painful, eternal, no matter what you do to me, no matter how much you hurt me, I will love you with my whole soul for the rest of forever type of love. He couldn't handle it. His only salvation was waking up and pushing himself until he dropped and the cycle repeated.

Even Jace, who had been enthusiastic about Alec's new found love for hunting started to tire of the endless fight. Soon he, Izzy, Clary, and even Simon were trading off days of hunting with him, just so they could rest. Part of him felt guilty, but it wasn't a large part. They didn't have to join him.

"Alec enough!" Isabelle finally yelled one morning as Alec discussed with Jace his hunting plans for the day. "This is insane. It has been two months of nonstop blood, bruises, and Demons. We are all exhausted."

"You don't have to go with me, none of you do. I'm a legal member of the Clave now, I can go out alone."

Jace slammed his fist down on the table in frustration. He'd been in a bad mood to start with that morning, and now he could sense the fight brewing between the siblings. "You know we can't do that Alec. The way you are going you'll get yourself killed on your own. Izzy is right, that's enough. Take a break Alec."

"Well that's not happening." Alec said, going back to the map he'd been looking over, and pushing his eggs around his plate, as was now his morning ritual.

"Alec please." Izzy pleaded, rubbing her temples. He was stressing her out, he knew, but he didn't much care. "I don't know what happened between you and-" She cut off seeing his face. His looked dared her to say that name, to give him a reason to go off on her. "I don't know what happened at that party, but this has got to stop. You aren't eating, you hardly sleep, you don't sit still for more than two minutes before you have to get moving. You're killing yourself, do you really think this is anyway to move on from Magnus?"

It was Alec's turn to slam a fist down on the table. He glared at her. What did she know? Maybe he was pushing himself harder than he probably should, but his mind needed it. "I'm just doing my job," He said through gritted teeth, "this has nothing to do with him." She rolled her eyes at him, and returned his glare. ___You are driving them away. _Good. After what he had done to Magnus he didn't really feel he deserved any kind of kindness from them. That's why he hadn't told Izzy what had happened the night of the party. She would take his side, tell him how it wasn't his fault, how it was just Magnus being stupid. She'd done that once he'd finally explained the reason for their break up in the first place. He wasn't willing to sit through that again, especially when she was wrong. This was his fault, and he would spend as long as he wanted hating himself for it.

Jace's cell phone went off, pulling them out of their glare fest. It probably wasn't Clary. It was early and unless she was training or out hunting with Alec she liked to sleep in. The only other people who called Jace were Clave members, which meant there was a good chance they might actually have a real job, instead of one Alec had come up with off the top of his meant Isabelle would have to shut up and just go with it. Jace took the call in the other room and Izzy went back to her breakfast, stabbing at her pancake a little more violently than was needed. Alec frowned as he watched her and felt a twinge of guilt. This wasn't her fault, and he'd been taking it out on all of them. Before he could open his mouth to apologize though Jace came back into the room.

"Alright Alec, looks like you win," he sighed. "That was Maryse, we've got a tip that there's some Vampire involvement with that nest you wanted to look into today." Alec felt a slightly smug smile come to his face as Izzy groaned. She threw her fork down on the table and pushed herself up. "That's just wonderful." She hissed "Whatever, this is the last time though. Next time Alec can just go by himself. What the fuck do I care." With that she stormed from the room to change into her gear.

The short journey to the demon's nest was tense and awkward. Izzy refused to talk to anyone but Clary and she spent the whole time shooting Alec dirty looks. ___I deserve this. _He reminded himself after a particularly nasty look that had Jace snickering next to him, Alec elbowed him in the ribs and he did his best to stifle it.

The nest was an apartment building in a part of the city known to hide Downworlders who were heavily into the black market. The building was run down, and stunk of demonic energy. Even Alec wasn't crazy about the idea of going in. Once inside however the rush of the fight filled them and they were a mostly functional team again. It took them most of the day to clear the nest. By the end of it they were exhausted and covered in blood and ichor. They had managed to pull the identity of the vampire involved from one of the smarter demons. They even knew where to find her.

"Maureen is dangerous Alec. We need to involve the Conclave."

Alec rolled hie eyes. This was the third time they'd gone over this. It was nearing dusk and a few of the street lights had started to pop on. They were sitting on the curb now, letting their healing runes take effect. "If we wait now she'll find out about it and we'll miss any chance we had of stopping her."

"Do I need to remind you that she killed Camille? An extremely old, extremely powerful Vampire?"

"Only because she got there before I did." Alec muttered.

"Alec!"

"By the Angel that's enough!" Jace said cutting in between Alec and Isabelle, who were now standing. Isabelle looked ready to hit something and Alec stood with his arms at his sides clenching and unclenching his fists. It wouldn't have been the first fist fight Jace had broken up between the two of them, but he wasn't even slightly in the mood to deal with it. "Listen Alec, as much as I agree with you that Maureen needs to have her little Vampire ass handed to her, Izzy is right."

Clary, who'd mostly been staying out of things, picked up her head. "Whats this? Jace, Shadowhunter extraordinaire, wants to give up?" She teased. He rolled his eyes at her and she smiled at him, shrugging it off.

"I do actually. We're exhausted. We've been going nonstop for days. She's clearly not going to be easy to take down, and we have no idea how much help she will have. Let's face it, she killed Camille by herself." Alec opened his mouth and Jace cut him off, "Yes I'm sure you could have handled her in your post break-up, brokenhearted rage, but the rest of us are not running on a strong dose of I fucked up and my flaming bisexual, sparkling warlock hates me, so we're going to call the conclave and get backup."

Alec's already clenched fist found Jace's nose with a resounding crack that caught them all off guard. Jace stumbled a little and brought his hand up to his now bleeding face, Clary and Isabelle both reached for Jace but he waved them off.

"No, I deserved that." He said, pulling out his stele to draw and iratze on his arm. "Plus it's the first sign of actual emotion Alec has shown in a long time."

Alec clenched his fist down at his side again and closed his eyes trying to concentrate on calming himself. He hadn't meant to hit Jace. ___The asshat deserved it though. _Well yes, but it wasn't exactly uncommon for Jace, he had a knack for ticking people off. After a moment Alec sighed, this wasn't helping. "I need a walk," he said finally. "I'll meet you back at the institute." With that he turned and walked away not bothering to look back.

"Alec," Izzy said moving to follow him. Jace caught her wrist. "No Iz, let him go. He needs his space."

Alec walked for a few hours, letting the night fall around him. What was wrong with him? He hadn't been himself since Camille had shown up in his life. She'd fucked everything up. ___No you did that. _Well she had certainly helped start it. Camille with her stupid Vampire immortality. It didn't help that she was beautiful. He was gay and even he could tell that as far as women went she was stunning. Then there had been her knowing more about Magnus than he did. ___She didn't though. _Oh? ___She didn't know him like you._I fail to see that. ___You know everyday Magnus. You know his coffee order, how he likes his eggs. What music he listens to. You've seen him dance around the room with the cat when he thinks you aren't looking. Those soft, sensitive little spots all over his body that drive him insane. How he drools on the pillow when he sleeps. You know he does that cute little thing where he sticks his tongue out when he puts on eyeliner. You know Magnus Bane the person, not Magnus Bane the immortal Warlock. I bet you she's never payed enough attention to know that Magnus__. _Alec groaned. He'd known Magnus in all the ways that were important. He'd been so stupid.

He stopped walking in front of another apartment building. It wasn't run down like the nest had been. This was an elegant high rise, complete with door man. Alec was glamoured of course so the doorman took no note of him. ___This is where Maureen is supposed to be. _Very observant of you. ___Why are you here? _Why do you think? _T____his is a very bad idea. _I'm full of those lately.

Alec dismissed his apprehension and walked towards the building. Maybe Jace was right but Alec didn't care. If he couldn't kill Camille he could at least get rid of the bitch who'd taken the chance from him.


	10. Baby, We'll Be Counting Stars

******Baby, We'll Be Counting Stars**

He lay in bed, the familiar sensation of silk sheets against his skin and a warm body wrapped comfortably around his. It was a familiar body, one he knew well, one that fit perfectly against his. "Mmmm Magnus," he whispered softly, rolling over to snuggle his face into the Warlock's chest. He felt Magnus start to purr, a slightly weird, unseen sign of his being a warlock that came along with his cat eyes. It had weirded Alec out at first but he soon came to find it adorable, loving when it would happen in his sleep, or when they'd be content on the couch. Magnus was more cat-like than he'd ever admit, but Alec knew, and loved that part of him. "I had the most horrible nightmare." he murmured pulling Magnus closer into him. He felt Magnus run a soothing hand through his hair. Alec opened his eyes with a smile and looked up into the face of the man he loved, intent on kissing him awake. He wasn't sure what time of morning it was, but after the dream he'd had he needed physical reassurance that he and Magnus were alright, and Magnus had never complained about waking up to sex before. As he looked up though he was startled by what he saw.

Magnus was pale, sickeningly so, and his eyes were glossed over and distant. Suddenly the warmth from his body wasn't so warm anymore. "Magnus?" Alec whispered hesitantly, then something in his mind clicked. ___He's dead Alec, look at him. _Panic shot through him and he pushed himself to his knees, scrambling backwards. The Canary Yellow sheets were soaked in blood and Magnus lay still among them, a wound clear on his chest where his heart was. Alec reached out hesitantly. "Magnus, oh dear god no." He brushed a little bit of hair from the Warlocks face, feeling tears slide down his cheek. "No. No. NO. NO." He repeated over and over, breaking down and pulling the limp body of his lover into his arms. "Magnus please, wake up," he pleaded, cradling him, holding him to his chest as though his own life was dependent on the contact between them.

"You're too late little Nephilim."

Alec's head snapped up, looking for the source of the voice that had spoken. In the corner stood Camille as he had last seen here, except that now her hands and face were covered in blood.

"You," Alec breathed, gently laying Magnus back down, and protectively crouching over him, with a dagger that he wasn't sure how he'd gotten a hold of. He didn't think on it though, choosing instead to focus on Camille. His only thoughts now were the million ways in which he could kill her.

"Time to wake up Alexander," She said looking now at Magnus. Alec flowed her gaze for a moment, then he threw himself at her, his rage overcoming his grief.

Alec woke with a start, gasping for breath as he realized that water had been thrown on him.. He blinked a few times, trying to get his bearings, and trying to shake the horrid feeling that had come along with the dream. That was a new one, one he hadn't had before, and it had been vivid. So vivid he'd managed to believe that he and Magnus were still together. He mentally checked himself over. A few bruises and a cut on his forehead. What had he been doing before he'd gotten here? He found himself chained to some sort of metal pipe, arms behind him of course. ___Well isn't this a bit cliche. _He thought grimly, trying to see just how much of the dark room he could make out. Not much, it was nearly pitch black and of course he had now sight runes on. He tried to move around some and froze as a soft, feminine laugh filled the small room.

Magnus woke up with a groan. There was a pounding in his brain he couldn't quite explain. He's fallen asleep on the couch, the TV on a random station, and a pizza open on the coffee table. It had been light out before, near dinner time, the sun had still been up. Now it was dark and he had to blink a few times to see anything. The TV channel he'd been watching was now running infomercials. A quick glance at his phone told him it was around 3 am. He looked around, trying to determine what had woken him up. His curiosity was answered by a loud and insistent knock at the door.

"Go away," he moaned, flopping back down on the couch. His customers were often late night visitors, but the regulars, who paid well, were the only ones he took on the weekends, and they all knew better than to knock at his door. The banging came again, more insistent and urgent than before. With a sigh Magnus got up and stomped over to the door, catching a glimpse of himself in the mirror. Pajama pants, a t-shirt with a few holes in it that was probably his ex-boyfriends, and a brightly colored knit jacket. ___What a wonderful way to great people. I look fabulous. _He sighed again, attempting to smooth out his hair, compose himself, and put his bitch face on.

"This had better be good foolish mortal or I swear by all that is holy I will smite you where you stand," he said opening the door. He found himself face to face with Jace Lightwood. "Oh, it's you." he said in disgust. "I'm sorry but Saint Magnus's Home for Wayward Shadowhunters is closed to you. We reserve the right to refuse service, blah, blah, blah, etc, etc." He moved to close the door and Jace put his hand up to stop it.

"This is important."

"Are you deaf?"

"It's about Alec."

"Oh lovely. Go find a Warlock that gives a fuck."

"I'm not looking for another warlock."

"Well then, I guess you are screwed aren't you?"

"I'm not playing here Bane."

"Neither am I, now be gone from this place."

"By the Angel Bane! I swear I will-"

"Please Magnus."

They both stopped, their attention shifting to the soft plea that had come from behind Jace. It was Isabelle. Her face was tear streaked and her hair hung limp and tangled at her shoulders. It was clear from the bags under her eyes that it had been days since she slept. She was far from her usual composed self. Magnus looked over the faces of the others. They weren't as tattered looking as Isabelle, but their distress was clear, especially in Jace. _Jace, Izzy, Clary, Simon… _he counted off in his head, but where was Alec.

"What happened to Alexander?" He asked, slowly looking around their faces again, watching their reactions, before letting his gaze settle on Isabelle again. "Isabelle, where is your brother? What happened to Alec?"

**((Look for the Sequal to Counting Stars, Little Talks!))**


End file.
